A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

• Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
• There are 10 commandments, not 12.
• There are 12 disciples, not 10.
• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
• We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
• The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
• David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
• When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
• We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
• When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
• The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
• The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
• Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.