Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you .
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 .
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call .
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship .
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press .
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .
• If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep .
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .
• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you .
• If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever .
• If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up .